We arrived around 1:20 pm for our flight at 3:20 pm — two hours early, like any good and patriotic air traveler. The airport seemed pretty dead, so we went ahead and had lunch. Nile, thinking ahead, had packed his. I opted to buy something at the airport — not realizing this was Gainesville Regional Airport, and the restaurant was more like a 7-11 than a restaurant.

After eating my $3.99, pre-cooked, microwaved “cheeseburger,” we proceeded to the security check. (Ah, the healthy eating habits of travel are already setting in.) I should say we tried to proceed to security; “We’ll be open in about 15 minutes,” said the TSA employee, looking up from his reading.

So we killed some time and, eventually, went into the line.

“Are you carrying any liquids, gels, aerosols, snakes, plutonium, frozen embryos, etc.,” asked the TSA employee (or something like that). But no, I had already prepared for the war on liquids. I’d disposed of my bottled water after confirming I couldn’t bring it with me, and I hadn’t packed any liquids. But I was pretty sure that toothpaste and deodorant would count as “gels” or something along those lines, so I sheepishly replied that I indeed had those dreaded objects in my baggage.

“Are they less than 3 oz. and packed in a clear resealable container no greater in size than one quart?”

“Well, no.”

The gig was up. I could purchase a ziploc bag at the “restaurant” I had patronized earlier (clever business model!) but my toiletries were, in fact, greater in size than 3 oz. Fuck. Well, I guess I’d check that bag, then. Screw it. Nile added his to my checked luggage (those were less than 3 oz. but not packed in a clear plastic bag).

After checking my bag (the airline employee never checked my ID or itinerary) I went back through the line. Take off the jacket, phone and coins in the dish, laptop out of the bag.

“Did the guy over there check your ID and boarding pass?” inquired the next TSA employee.

Yes, he did. Oh, the extra boarding pass printed for me when I checked a bag (I had originally checked in online) had confused the TSA employee. OK, I’ll tuck the extra one away to avoid any conflagrations.

Alright, we’re all good now, right? Oh wait, nope. Take off the shoes.

The first thing I see on the other side of the security checkpoint: a soda vending machine.